In April school began winding down. I felt like I could see the light at the end of the tunnel; yet, the "tunnel" was school in Paris, not necessarily school itself. I began worrying about the future. Monsieur and I were still going strong, but it wasn't just for him that I was feeling anxious. I honestly felt like I had only begun my journey here in France--only scratched the surface of what could be, what I could be--and knowing that the first stage was nearly over was frightening. Meighan had her birthday party where I came to realize that my anxieties over my French friends weren't only anxieties--most of them, while nice enough, weren't the type of people with whom I felt a real connection. A few were even shallow, hateful towards other girls which in turn made me feel like I had never really left L.A. Meighan and I began talking of our plan to move in together once the semester was over, as my apartment would be unavailable after May.
May went by incredibly fast. Finals, end-of-the-year cocktails and dinners for my program and graduating classmates, and desperate searches for an apartment occupied a great deal of my time. I came to realize that a mutual parisienne friend of ours had asked Meighan to live with her, and although M stated that she would never "leave me out in the street," that her loyalties lied elsewhere. This was really difficult. Monsieur, having to vacate his own apartment in the suburbs at the end of June, asked me to move in with him. Against my better judgment from lessons learned in the past, I agreed. What is life but an adventure? I would rather give my heart freely than be wondering "what if"... . After a few false starts (mostly having to do with my non-EU status), we found a tiny one bedroom in one of my favorite neighborhoods. We also had an opportunity to meet my friend Eva and her husband in Alsace for an amazing weekend filled with cows, mountain views, camping, and laughter. I honestly wish she lived closer because it was such a thrill to be in the company of someone who I can not only speak freely to, but who has known me before all of this! We finished the month moving into the aforementioned apartment.
June. Oh, June. I began classes again--a wonderful class on Food, Identity, and Communication which focused on comparisons between gastronomical discourse in France and nutritional discourse in the U.S.. We culminated our exploration by going to the Jura region of France to sample Comté cheese and other terroir products. It was a very intense three weeks, but it also offered a once-in-a-lifetime experience. Unfortunately, the time-consuming class, the coordinating trip, and unpacking/making myself feel at home took its toll on my relationship with Monsieur. We had such terrible, terrible fights over the stupidest things. I chalked it up to readjustment and stress, but he seemed completely at odds over what to do. Meighan and I bonded over the World Cup, which was nice. It definitely gave us an excuse to meet, google image photos of cute players, and generally hang out at pubs around town. Being with her gave me a break from the turmoil at home and reassured me that I really did have a good friend here.
In July, things began to get better, especially by midmonth. I finished my last class as a grad student (the most horrible class I have ever taken btw), and started searching for my internship in earnest. I was so completely stressed out by it all--I had sent out approximately 35 CVs and cover letters over the past two months with no response--that I began mentally preparing myself to have to write a thesis instead and at the very worst, to go back the U.S. I also succumbed to a horrible bout of depression and homesickness which was completely surprising and viscerally painful. I haven't seen my parents or my friends in almost one year and it is shocking to think I may go almost another year before seeing them again. I think seeing me like this really helped Monsieur to realize how difficult it is to live in another language all of the time, without those people who know and love you best. I think it really helped to have him take extra care to make me feel at home here. And, at the end of the month I had a whirlwind interview and offer of employment at a parisian ad agency! I can enjoy this last month off and look forward to going back to work....
And now, we're in august. I am more in love than ever, excited for my new job, and looking forward to going on not one, but two vacations. Paris is completely dead--I was told countless times, but it is still shocking to see throngs of tourists amid closed boulangeries, boutiques, and restaurants. It's difficult to be at home alone all day; I'm still terribly homesick, so I walk several miles around Paris when I can, avoid the tourists at all costs, and cook at night for Monsieur. I honestly think he's going to freak out when I begin working and all of the homemade desserts and complicated dinners stop. We are going to a friend's house in Bretagne, off of the Pink Granite Coast, in one week. After that I have to hurry to get my birth certificate translated for health insurance, submit my renewal for my visa, and take care of my loans before we leave for Portugal. Yes, Portugal! I am really over-the-moon excited to take this vacation, as it will be my first (successful) trip outside of France since I arrived last year (let's never talk of Barcelona again). It is also the last vacation I will have until at least next summer, so I am going to soak up the sun, the architecture, and the food of course for as long as I can.
I really do want to start writing more, even if no one really reads this blog. It helps me to relax, to focus, and to sort through all of the complicated feelings, both good and bad, that I have about living here. I hope I can get back into the habit soon.
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